what is love? is it equal to happiness? are the two interrelated? i suppose one would
assume so, but if you were to further analyze it i'm sure you could find little to no
relationship between the two. i've gone through so many perspectives on love that it boggles even my own mind. (when i speak of love, i mean romantic love...tackling this topic without any specification is just messed up.)
at first it was a totally detached idea...it was something i had read about it in
journals, books, magazines, and textbooks. it was those feelings they had described in health ed.and sex ed. and it was the result of those 'crushes' they discussed in YM magazine. i thought it was so magical, so fantasy based. i remember discussing it with my girlfriends...erin and cc in particular...and their predecessors allie and leah. this love was supposed to happen in high school because everything happens in high school. it was definitely going to happen...it was just a matter of when and with who. i remember one friend wanting the rebel...the other wanting the quiet shy type...another wanting their ideal match. i on the other hand didn't really know...but i figured i would once i met him...or her if it ended up that way...which it didn't.

(Music-Eve 6 'Nightmare') My first love was this guy named Alex...and now that i look
back i'm pretty sure that i had no idea whether i loved him or not. i do remember not
knowing i was being asked out on a date. i also remember what movie we went to see, what time it was at, and that i was merely spending time with him because i felt like i was shot down unintenionally by someone else. that whole relationship lasted 6 months and i can't really complain...it was fabulous for a 16 year old. i got presents and flowers and taken out for countless dinners and movies. i also got my first kiss and found out how many bases there were and what constituted each one. why did it fail? i didn't really love him i don't think...i was fond of him, i cared for him...but i didn't love him. or maybe i'm wrong. but then again, he also annoyed me because of his possessiveness and explosive temper. i'd had my first taste of what teen magazine promised would be amazing and i felt somewhat uneasy.

after this my confidence was shaken...how can love exist? it is impossible. sifting
through everyone you encounter to find the perfect match? time consuming. impractical.
but needless to say i found others who had some sort of potential at the time to catch my interest. one relationship that lasted 4 months...turned out he was a slimy backstabber who was more trouble than he was worth. one relationship that lasted a week...probably wouldn't call it anything really...spineless men are just so unattractive. then i found my next love, jim.

(Music-The Beatles 'She Was Just 17')He was something I had never experienced before...a best friend, a 'perfect' boyfriend, a confidante...all in one. amazing. that was such a passionate ordeal...yes, ordeal...there might've been more stress than i would have chose to accept at the time. on top of that, there was added stress because of countless arguments/discussions concerning sex, religion, marriage, etc. deflowering was a big event...somewhat. i'm told it's a big event...i never really cared that much about it. i would've cared if i got pregnant or an STI or something of that nature. but that whole partnership was doomed from the get-go as everyone informed me in hindsight. how typical. that lasted for about 7 1/2 months. it was one of the most intense experiences i've ever had the pleasure of partaking in and i must say he is still one of the most unusual and interesting individuals i've had the pleasure of meeting. but i digress...i've experienced the sweet 16 dating scene, wash-up #1, wash-up #2, and meaningful relationship #1.Our break-up was dramatic...tears, begging, pleading, apologies, anger...it had it all. it was a parting of immense proportions. we continued to communicate afterwards and attempted a friendship which didn't really take-off. I severed all ties until recently.

Afterwards, I engaged in a relationship with my friend Colin...for 13 days. (An accursed number I know, but I didn't plan it that way.) Unfortunately for us the only thing missing out of our match-up was chemistry. We both came to the agreement that 'the next level' wasn't for us and converted back to movie nights and jam sessions with the occasional playful jab in the ribs.

This just set off a spiral of disasterous hook-ups...
The sleazy, two-timing dance instructor...
The self-righteous, egocentric French Major...
The insanely boring Film Major...
Dead ends.

I thought I would never again find love.

(Music-Eddie Money 'Tempted By the Fruit of Another') Then I met Parry. The name itself suggests humour...and that's all it was basically. We met under odd circumstances, we dated for the wrong reasons, we stayed together with self-gratifying motivations. We met in History Tutorial when he recognized me from t.v....when cc and i damned the male race for as long as we stalked the earth. We began a courtship out of shock value I believe...I, the tender age of 19 and he, the ripe old age of 25. I had my trophy boyfriend...his own car, his own place, money...hell, he was my sugar daddy. He had his trophy girlfriend...big boobs, not half bad looking, intelligent...I was his Baby Doll. Disgusting? Yes. Sickening? Yes. Common? You bet. We enjoyed each other's company to an extent, we always had a definite date anywhere, and we also had a solid commitment to getting laid at least 5 times a week. It worked. It was a far cry from a healthy relationship. This was my permiscuous time I suppose...my lewd and unladylike behavior. oh well. I had naive love, 'true' love, companionate love, now it was convenient love and convenient lovin'.

That ended terribly when I moved on to greener pastures. I cheated on him I'm ashamed and embarassed to say. I would never do it again because I think I made myself look cheap and tacky...I also hurt him in the worst way possible...I gave him insecurity that he would carry around with him for the next few girlfriends most likely. but in my defense, which isn't really one, i broke up with him within 24 hours of the act and told him EVERYTHING. i walk away with a clean conscious but with a bit of a tarnished record.

(Music-Maroon 5 'She Will Be Loved') Then there's Kyle. Kyle's the relationship I thought I would never have...the normal one. Normal interests, normal activities, normal, normal, normal...yet so NOT normal.We've been dating for a year and month now...mostly long distance.I've done major thinking about it...thinking I should've been doing all along but I was blinded by love and was playing the role of damsel in distress. Now that I look back...
There were times when I ached because I loved him so much...
There were times I felt unrequited in every emotion I felt for him...
There were times I wanted to kill him...
There were times I've never felt closer to someone...and further apart.

Which leads me back to my original point: romantic love. This whole thing has seemed more like a confessional, a semi-religious cleansing of the soul in a sense. I've just re-examined the notion recently that to know where you're going, you need to know where you've been. I've been at the point where men have bothered me so much I've thought of never entering another relationship. I've been at the point where I've been so angry and hurt that I wondered if it was all worth it. I've had my heart broken. Now I'm on the verge of all that again...but I don't know what to expect. And I'm thinking that's quite alright.

(Music-The Killers 'Believe Me Natalie')So, my closing statements...
For the record, I have never been unfaithful in this relationship I'm in now. Those of you who know me know I can't keep secrets for the life of me. I'm quite sure I'm being accused of that now and it hurts.

Love isn't settling to settle. It's not finding the comfort zone...it's not middle-class suburbia. It's not securing a good pension...it's not buying a boat with someone you care about. It's not about money. There should be no 'my'...just 'our'...in certain instances. It's not striving for the ideal...it's striving for that one person who isn't right for right now...they're there for the long haul. It's finding someone to spend your life with...it's finding someone who never gets tired of saying "I love you".

I'm not sure what's worse...knowing you've had it and it's slipped through your fingers.
...knowing it's there and you never took a chance.
...not knowing it was never there to begin with.
...knowing there's not a god damn thing you can do to change anything.

That's what I think love is...it's the ultimate...it's finding the yin to your yang so to speak. It's going through the flings, the pitfalls, the dead ends, the loose ends, and the 'true loves' before getting to that person. It's maintaining yourself without losing sight of others. It's tough. I barely have a life story and yet I've gained so much experience...

Let's see if it's made me wise.

^^